Vol 2.1 – Not Myself

Hello, it’s been awhile, but there’s a few things I need to put into the world.

Lately I havnt been myself, I look in the mirror and see the same person, when I’m alone I feel the same, but all other times I’m not myself.

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I seem to be grumpier, short tempered, short with everyone and I’m sure to the people who see me regularly I’m the negative one, which isn’t me, this isn’t what I’m like, this isn’t who I want to be. But as the days pass I can’t seem to shake it. Everyday it just takes the smallest thing to put me in a bad mood and not much can shake it. Which is really a bummer because I’m surrounded by good people and have lots of good stuff going on.

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I’ll bring some context about my situation that I think are the main reasons for this. Last year we moved to Queensland because it sounded like a good idea and we wanted sun after following winter for a few years. It’s been pretty good up here but there are a few things that havnt worked as planned.

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The first part is work, for the first time in my life I want to be working, do something rewarding that I can get obsessed with and do all the regular adult stuff like buy a house and have a savings or what ever it’s called. Except that hasn’t happened, unfortunately the construction industry kinda sucks up here so I’ve been through a few jobs, been ripped financially, had more time off than I’d like to and more often than not wake up with bouts of anxiety at the day ahead. Now I know there are many out there who don’t love what they do, who go to work each day to pay the bills and suffer in silence. But that’s not for me, you know what I do every lunch break I get at work? Apply for jobs, email companies I might like to work for and write cover letters so that I might be able to move into a workplace that can help me follow through with my ambitious goals.

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Not only has this taken its toll on me mentally but financially the struggle continues, as soon as I get on my feet, the rug seems to get ripped out from under me. When I used to have days off they were glorious, time to yourself, working on projects. Side businesses and just doing what I want. Lately my days off are just full of me trying to figure out where I’m going to get the money to pay the upcoming round of bills or how much fun I’m missing out on because I constantly have to say no to going out with mates or saying no to my girlfriend all the time because I can’t afford what ever awesome activity she might be planning. I don’t care for money, never have, Maybe I don’t care enough but having to waste my time stressing over it has definitely worn me down.

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The second thing that gets to me is disappointing my girlfriend. She’s always up for the adventure, she always wants to do fun activities but all I can do lately is say no and be grumpy. It’s hard, I constantly think about how much it’ll cost instead of how much fun we can have. I’m always in such a bad mood that she cops the brunt of it and I hate that. I hate letting her down, always having to be the wet blanket because there’s a million other things in my mind going crazy and instead of going out and doing fun stuff I say no and be grumpy when she makes me leave the house. Which isn’t fair, to Mel I’m sorry for this and it will change.

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Another thing that wears me down is my home life, now this is going to sound terrible because I live with some amazing people, we live so close to the beach it’s easier to walk than drive, but I’ve managed to make that a negative. I always say no to everything my housemates invite me to, I’m always short with them and have something to have a sook about in my own mind because for some reason that’s who I’ve become. To my housemates, I’m sorry. This isn’t how I am, this isn’t me.

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I guess tonight I wanted to write this because the most carefree I’ve ever been was when I was writting all the time, when I was being so open and honest about everything in such a public forum (this blog) that I never had to worry what anyone thought because they knew everything that was going on. I’m not depressed I’m just upset with the person I’ve become and becoming to run down waiting for everything to get better.

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I also just want people to know that we’ve all got shit going on, so it’s ok not to be ok. Breakdown sometimes. Let it all out. Talk to people about your life and what’s going on. They will be able to help. They will be able to give advice, shit they might just be there to listen and that’s all you need.

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Attitude towards life is a habit building task, once you notice you’ve changed and don’t like it it’s fucking hard work to change, you have to couciously know that your only thinking that way and acting that way because your in the habit of being like that. For me it’s saying no to doing fun stuff, stressing instead of thinking it’ll all work out, making negatives your main focus instead of living the good life being grateful for everything you have.

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Man this was a long one, I’m glad it’s out there, I’m glad it’s off my mind, I havnt been myself for awhile but this is the first step towards going back to being myself.

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Thanks to anyone that reads this. And remember, it’s ok not to be ok.

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